As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
