does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
