I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
