Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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