I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
