You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
