going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
