We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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