If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
