Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
