she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
