i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
