a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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