forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
