a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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