Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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