we were pretty classy up until the second keg
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
