my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
