what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
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He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
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Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old