babies were throwing up all over the place
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
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