Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
