I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
