some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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