The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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