She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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