I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
