That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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