I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
