I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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