Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
