alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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