mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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