i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
