One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
