omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
