i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The beer is more important than you right now.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
