you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The air was thick with penises
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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