Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
