positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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