this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
