Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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