I think my fart just growled at me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
