Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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