It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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