so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish you could order shots online.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
