He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
