do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
cat food counts as protein by the way
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
