FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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