You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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