I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
