Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
