I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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