I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
