May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You have to summon your inner elephant
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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